Thursday, October 4, 2007

Coping with Lacrosse Stress

For those of you who might be getting a little nervous about the upcoming Hero's Lacrosse Tournament, don't be, we are all out there to have fun and it promises to be a great time. Remember, it is just a game. The weather will be fantastic and our uniforms look marvelous! In the words of Stuart Smiley from Saturday Night Live, "your good enough, your smart enough and dogonit, people like you."

For those of you who aren't nervous, it is time to start thinking about the game and how much this means to our team. Anything less than a full sweep is unacceptable and your lack of mental preparation, visualization and core focus to the Bad Backs team disgusts me! I haven't slept in 6 days. I lay on the basement concrete floor to toughen myself up to prepare for this epic battle. I've listened to the Rocky I sound track 1700 times. My hands are bleeding from punching a frozen cow. I've personally contacted Ivan Drago to see if he used razor setting 5 or 6 to get his hair to stand up like that. I shoved a lacrosse ball in my mouth and stuck my head out the window while driving 80 mph in my car to increase my oxygen intake to better prepare my lungs for this game. I've purchased a jugs machine and set it for 125 mph and had my son feed me passes on the crease. You need to get your head in the game and if by chance they score one goal on us, the defense will not be allowed to go to Snyders. If the offense doesn't score at least 45 goals in each game, you guessed it, no cold frosties for you. Mr. Goalie, don't think you are in the clear. It is not enough to stop every shot, you have to score 5 unassisted goals before you come within 500 feet of that nice cold Natural light. And oh yes, Coach Schoeb, let us not forget the time you failed to prepare for that baseball game and wore your Chuck Taylor sneakers. You repulsed me with the way you tried to take a lead off of first base, and as the pitcher made his move back to first the whole world stopped, switching into slow motion and you looked like the Road Runner with your spinning Chuck Taylor feet burning rubber as you valiantly tried to make it back to first. I will personally rip your lips off if you even think about show up without brand new Under Armor molded cleats that have been signed by Connor Gil himself.

Seriously folks, have a blast, have fun and it promises to be a great time.


CresceNet said...

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Anonymous said...

Would someone please translate this. Geez - we're only a bunch of redneck lax players, for crying out loud.

Dave said...

Good luck Bad Backs! Wish I could be there, but the fishing has been great in Yellowstone. I'm counting on you to bring home a tournament championship bigger than the cutthroat trout I had on my line yesterday that got away!

Here's the translation, from Portuguese:

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